Shattered
by ShionShirosaki
Summary: AU, GRIMMICHI, ANGST: "I was in love." It was as simple as that. But that statement isn't as simple as it looks. Why? Well, I don't know… Maybe it was the fact that I'm interested in guys and the one I love was straight, much less, my rival and best friend.
1. Part One

**Shattered ****[Edited]**

* * *

**Disclaimer: I own nothing! **

**Warning: Swearing, Yaoi, Assholes -believe me, this deserves a warning-**

* * *

It was hard to move on.

After all, if you were in my place… would you have come up with any other options?

**_I was in love._**

It was as simple as that. But that statement isn't as simple as it looks.

Why?

Well, I don't know… Maybe it was the fact that I'm interested in guys and the one I love was straight, much less, my rival _and_ best friend.

_Ouch._

It just _had_ to be my rival and best friend _and _a _straight_ guy. (**Right on the heart, Life.)**

But of course, even though I'm the type of person to be completely ruthless in my decisions, at least, _this_ was an exception.

I have thought of confessing my love more than once to end this complicated shit.

However, I decided against it.

Because, if I confessed and he rejected…

…wouldn't that be loosing _everything_ at once?

A rival, best friend and first love…

It will completely destroy me.

And so, I waited… I patiently waited.

I kept my feelings at bay.

I stopped myself whenever my desire to just _touch_ him starts overpowering my will.

I didn't make him see just how much jealous I was when the girls would… just _talk_ to him.

I mean, hey, one of the reasons why I fell in love with him in the first place was because he was a looker.

So, yes. I suffered.

It was agonizingly painful.

Especially when he will be his insensitive self, saying things that he probably means and doesn't mean.

But then again, I loved him for who he really was, insensitive shithead be damned.

…

Before I knew it, I have already loved him in a way that is inhumanly impossible.

I fell so hard that no one was able to catch me anymore, let alone, help me climb up to the world called 'Reality'.

Because of my love for him, I made a fool of myself.

Because of my love for him, I tried harder to make him notice me.

Because of my love for him, I never noticed.

I never noticed that I was so in love with him to the point that…

…I was hurting myself already.

My love for him brought about nothing but trouble.

And he never knew of it.

_He knew nothing._

I hid it from my friends as well.

…The thing is that I didn't want to be omitted merely because I chose to love _him_.

Out of everyone in this world, they would _never_ expect me to be in love with him.

And so…

…I kept suffering. Alone.

I didn't know what I was trying to do with myself already.

If you were to ask me, my love for him was already making me crazy.

That little sanity in me was being torn away by each day as I meet his gaze.

_I'm going crazy because of **him**. _

If you were to ask "Why are you doing all of these things in the first place?"…

…the answer will always be the same.

_I just wanted to be seen, to be noticed… by **him.**_

**_Everything in my world revolves around him. _**

But still, **_he, himself, knew nothing._**

…

This thing, if you could call it 'love', has lasted…

for how many seconds

for how many minutes?

for how many hours?

for how many days?

for how many weeks?

for how many months?

for how many years?

…Don't ask me.

These feelings –as cliché as that sounds- have just caused _that_ much of destruction in my head.

…

For years…

I held everything in.

The hallucinations of the possibility that things will work out in the end just pops out of nowhere, easily overwhelming my desire to remain as his friend.

Still, I held it in.

…

Days, weeks, months and years have passed…

The time has come when I got tired of holding everything back.

I broke free through my restraints.

Be it best friend, or rival, or straight guy, I _will_ confess.

And confess I did.

I can still remember that day.

The day he gave his answer to my confession.

_"...What is it, Kurosaki? I have no time to be fooling' around with you so you better make sure this is worth my time."_

_I nodded. _

_"Uh, right… Well, you see…" I began, looking off to the side._

_"What?" He asked impatiently, rubbing his hand through his teal blue hair._

_I closed my eyes._

_It was **now or never.** _

_If I don't speak myself now, I will **never **be able to._

_…_

_…_

**_"I love you, Grimmjow."_**

_…_

_…_

Silence.

Deafening silence.

And then…

…he **laughed.**

_"Oy, oy… you better not be joking, Kurosaki!" He laughed loudly, patting his knee as he did so. _

_To me, his boisterous laughter was the only thing I could hear in the empty hallway._

_'…I wonder if this is the last time that I'd be hearing his laughter..'_

_…_

_I kept quiet._

_I had a feeling that without even telling him that I was serious, he would _**never**_ acknowledge my feelings._

_…_

_ "…I'm serious." I mumbled softly, a defeated look settling on my face._

_He stopped._

_He looked at me._

_And guess what?_

_…_

_He **punched **me._

_Well, to be precise, he **beat me up.**_

_And I surprised myself when I didn't fight back._

_…After all, I expected this kind of reaction from such a brutal and violent delinquent._

_He simply **beat me up** until I wasn't capable of standing._

_For a few seconds, he stood in front of me as I kneeled down on the floor from exhaustion and pain._

_We were both panting._

_One, from the effort of hurting the other._

_The other, from the effort of trying to bear with that pain._

_…_

_My body hurt._

_I can't think of anything._

_I was bleeding._

_Inside and outside._

_I was breaking._

_ "**DON'T YOU FUCK WITH ME, KUROSAKI! YOU DISGUSTING SHIT! DON'T YOU DARE SHOW YOUR FACE IN FRONT OF ME EVER AGAIN! IF YOU DO, I FUCKING SWEAR, I'LL KILL YOU!" **_

_To emphasize his point, he kicked me, making me stumble away from him._

_…_

_When he turned around to leave,_

_he said those dreadful words which shattered my entire being._

_…_

_…_

**_"You disgust me."_**

_…_

_…_

And just like that, he walked away.

Away from me.

And away from my life.

…

* * *

**To be continued...**


	2. Part Two

**Shattered- Part 2 [Edited]**

* * *

The following day after that pitiful confession…

…everything changed.

I did not go to school, not because I was avoiding Grimmjow.

But because the injuries I sustained from yesterday have yet to heal.

_Both inside and outside, that is._

So I was stuck there in my bedroom, emptily staring at the ceiling…

…asking myself if loving him was really worth the pain.

Almost immediately, every fiber of my being screamed 'No'.

The mere thought surprised me.

Just about yesterday, I was willing to do _everything and anything_ for him

But now, I wouldn't even dare to save him even if all it took was a single word.

**…I guess, this is how it feels to hate something which you once loved.**

**…**

When I went home directly after the 'dreadful moment of truth', my father immediately knew that the bruises inflicted upon me weren't from a fight.

No one was able to injure me _that_ badly.

And he said something about having this seemingly '_lost_' look in my eyes that he just couldn't ignore as my father…

…He was my father? (Sarcasm. right. there.)

Adding the bruises and 'unstable' state of my mind, he said that I will not be going to school for at least 2 weeks.

I, of course, didn't know whether to accept his decision.

…not that he will even listen to my decision at my current state.

For an entire week, I was imprisoned in my own home, my whole family being alert whenever someone tries to call me or meet with me.

My friends were all prohibited from all forms of 'communications' with me which disgruntled me for a little bit.

Not that I objected.

I knew I needed time and space for recovery.

…That is **_if_** I ever recover.

Hell, for that entire week, I didn't even know who was trying to visit me or who was trying to see me at all or who wasn't, since my sisters were colder towards my friends than usual.

It seems like they did **not** like the idea of having their older brother this much broken.

…

By the end of the day, I found myself being thankful that I had such great friends and a loving family.

Even though I lost him, they were still here.

**What matters the most is what you have…**

**…not those which you _once_ had.**

…

1 week had passed, 1 more week to go.

My friends already couldn't bear the curiosity.

And so did my family.

They needed answers.

_…Why not?_

I was prepared.

I'm prepared to tell this bitter story that involved one certain idiot who fell in love helplessly against his will.

So, I told them everything they wanted to know.

…

Oddly enough, they listened silently.

There were no shocked expressions, no interruptions, no reactions, no comments…

…merely silence.

As I ended the story, I could see them putting the pieces of puzzle together, only to form something that made me feel disgusted to the pit of my stomach.

…Things could've just remained the way they were.

Had I not decided to fall for him…

Had I not decided to tell him…

We could've still been friends.

But I guess things just don't go the way you want it to.

The picture of a stupid person who would do anything and everything for that someone who didn't even know how the other feels.

**_Am I just tough, or have I completely lost my mind?_**

…

On that night, each and everyone of my friends expressed their hatred towards Grimmjow.

I simply had no idea why.

On my side of the story, I hated myself and not him.

Because, in the first place, who was the one who fell in love?

It was _me._

Things decided to go out of hand when their intensity of hatred increased.

So I intervened.

"Why are you defending him, Ichigo?!" Rukia yelled, eyes showing not anger towards me, but towards _him_.

"It's not like I'm defending him." I stated impassively, earning several flabbergasted looks.

"Look, just… listen." I began irritably.

"Who was it that fell in love with him in the first place? Who was stupid enough to actually fall for him all the way? Who was stupid enough to do _everything_ for _him_? Who was it that decided to risk everything just for the sake of a confession? It was me! He has no fault or whatsoever. If I had but one wish, it's that I wished that he had put his rejection in a somewhat more… _soothing _way."

No response.

…

Silence...

There was silence yet again in the room as they all continued to give me those expressions filled with remorse.

I sighed.

"But really, I loved him." I said out of nowhere.

"It's just too bad that things didn't go the way I somehow expected it to. I don't have any qualms, nor any arguments as to why he rejected me. Hell, I won't even dare give it a second try. I have been hurt enough to actually fall and hurt myself all over again."

Everyone was looking at me.

"…It's seriously okay guys…"

"Kurosaki-kun…" Inoue began as tears sprang forth, leaking like an unstoppable faucet.

"Geh… why are _you_ crying, Inoue?!"

Rukia intervened.

"Why are you _not_ crying?" She sniffed as she wiped away some tears from her own tear-stained cheeks.

I paused.

I did a little rewind.

_"Why are you **not** crying?"_

_…_

Why…

…exactly am I not crying?

…

Renji, who was watching the whole exchange quietly, stood up and approached me.

…

**_And then he punched me._**

Oh, great! I get rejected, broken-hearted, beaten up, a week after, I get punched. Again.

"What the fuck-?"

Renji snorted.

"Pride."

That one word made everyone in the room freeze.

…

_…Pride?_

"You're too stubborn for your own good, Berry." He said with a smirk.

I blinked.

"You really are an idiot, Ichi-nii." Karin said, approaching me before doing something unexpected.

_It seems like everybody's up for the unexpected. What's next? This town burns?_

She kicked my knee.

**Hard.**

Really, Karin is a part of the soccer club, for heaven's sake.

The fucking ball went through the wall the last time she kicked the ball.

Outside the house.

After going through the window.

And a door.

Then after hitting a random picture frame, it went through the wall.

…Now swap that wall with my knee.

"OWYUMATHAFAKINLILBRAT!" I yelled, not actually registering that I was cursing, albeit a little sloppily.

The atmosphere seemed to lighten up a tad bit.

Ishida shook his head almost incredulously while Chad had that miniscule smile.

"Ichi-nii, you're being too stubborn." Karin said.

I frowned.

"Also," She began, the solemn atmosphere of the room being taken back.

"…you have been strong for a little too long now." She said a little more softly, looking close to tears.

"Karin-chan is right, Ichi-nii…" Yuzu joined in as she wiped some tears away.

"It's okay. We're here for you. It's okay to let go." She said with a bright smile.

…

**I hadn't expected it.**

**I seriously didn't.**

**Even if you asked me why it happened, I wouldn't know.**

**All I could remember was the warmth of something rolling down my cheek.**

**I didn't know why…**

**But when my sister smiled at me, saying it was alright, saying that they were there for me…**

**…It just happened.**

**…**

**I cried.**

…

…

_I can't mourn over the same thing over and over again._

_I can't be chained down and restrained by something that happened in the past._

_I have to move on._

_How will I be free and happy if I don't move on?_

_It's not that I will move on…_

_…it's that I **have** to._

_"You can't laugh at the same jokes over and over again. _

_But why is it that you cry over the same thing over and over again?"_

_…Why exactly?_

_It's because you have yet to move on._

_There's no need to hurt yourself any longer than you should._

_I **have** to set myself free from him._

_If setting myself free means forgetting about him…_

_…then so be it._

_He doesn't deserve my love._

_But…_

_I did not regret it._

**_I didn't regret meeting him._**

**_I didn't regret loving him._**

What I regret however…

…was that it had to be _him._

**Shattered.**

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**END**

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So... *sniff* who wants a sequel? X3


	3. Quotes

**Quotes**

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"I fell so hard that no one was able to catch me anymore, let alone, help me climb up to the world called 'Reality'. "

* * *

"I never noticed that I was so in love with him to the point that I was hurting myself already."

* * *

_"Everything_**_ in my world revolves around him. _**

But still, **_he, himself, knew nothing._**_"_

* * *

_'…I wonder if this is the last time that I'd be hearing his laughter..'_

* * *

"Just about yesterday, I was willing to do _everything and anything_ for him

But now, I wouldn't even dare to save him even if all it took was a single word."

* * *

"**…I guess, this is how it feels to hate something which you once loved."**

* * *

"Even though I lost him, they were still here."

* * *

"**What matters the most is what you have…**

**…not those which you ****_once_**** had."**

* * *

"I'm prepared to tell this bitter story that involved one certain idiot who fell in love helplessly against his will."

* * *

"The picture of a stupid person who would do anything and everything for that someone who didn't even know how the other feels.

**_Am I just tough, or have I completely lost my mind?"_**

* * *

"Who was it that fell in love with him in the first place? Who was stupid enough to actually fall for him all the way? Who was stupid enough to do _everything_ for _him_? Who was it that decided to risk everything just for the sake of a confession? It was me! He has no fault or whatsoever. If I had but one wish, it's that I wished that he had put his rejection in a somewhat more… _soothing _way."

* * *

"But really, I loved him."

* * *

"It's just too bad that things didn't go the way I somehow expected it to. I don't have any qualms, nor any arguments as to why he rejected me. Hell, I won't even dare give it a second try. I have been hurt enough to actually fall and hurt myself all over again."

* * *

"…you have been strong for a little too long now."

* * *

"It's okay. We're here for you. It's okay to let go."

* * *

"**But when my sister smiled at me, saying it was alright, saying that they were there for me…**

**…It just happened.**

**I cried."**

* * *

_"I can't mourn over the same thing over and over again."_

* * *

_"I can't be chained down and restrained by something that happened in the past."_

* * *

_"I have to move on."_

* * *

**_"You can't laugh at the same jokes over and over again. _**

**_But why is it that you cry over the same thing over and over again?"_**

_…Why exactly?_

_It's because you have yet to move on._

* * *

_"If setting myself free means forgetting about him…_

_…then so be it."_

* * *

_I did not regret it._

**_I didn't regret meeting him._**

**_I didn't regret loving him._**

What I regret however…

…was that it had to be _him._

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**A/N: So, the desire to post this extra chapter where quotes were gathered had suddenly appeared out of nowhere OwO..**

**I hope you did like the story ^w^**


	4. SEQUEL IS UP

Sequel for Shattered is up!

"The Aftermath"

Please go and check my profile, thank you for you time ^^


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